After last night, I could never be a politician.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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