when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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