More tranny stories later!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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