I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
