My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
