i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
