note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
