allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She needs sedatives and a leash
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
