My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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