My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
