The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
