does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
