i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
