So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
