i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
