can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
