After last night, I could never be a politician.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
