Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
