I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
