he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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