allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
