Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
