Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
