I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
