He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
