I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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