She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
