My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
