I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
