I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
