When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
