I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
