I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
