I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
