the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
