How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
accomplished twins. life is a go
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
