Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
