Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
