drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
