I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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