There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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