OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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