standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
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we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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