What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
