She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Randomize
