the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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