Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
