um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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