Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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