My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
