Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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