I can't watch pbs sober anymore
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
