the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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