Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
