In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.