I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.