well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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