Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
