I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
