I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
