cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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