while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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