Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
