she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
